The Root of the Fracture—Fatherlessness and Maternal Narcissism
Let us begin with a young girl born into emotional starvation. Imagine a household where her father is absent—not merely physically, but spiritually and emotionally. A father, for better or worse, represents order and stability. His presence offers structure, a framework through which a child can orient themselves in the world. Without him, a vacuum forms, and nature abhors a vacuum.
Into this void steps the mother. If she herself is narcissistic—lacking empathy, self-awareness, and the capacity for unconditional love—what fills the space is not security but chaos. A narcissistic mother does not nurture. She consumes. She views her children not as autonomous beings, but as instruments, extensions of herself, mechanisms to meet her own emotional demands.
A daughter raised in this environment absorbs two fundamental truths. First, that love is transactional. To be worthy of affection, she must comply, validate, and appease. Second, that her own identity is secondary to the needs of her mother. Any attempt to assert individuality—to separate—will be punished, sometimes subtly and sometimes with outright cruelty.
This girl learns that survival means submission. And in the absence of a father to mediate this toxic symbiosis, the dynamic calcifies. She grows up without boundaries, without self-worth, and without any clear sense of where she ends and others begin. This is fertile ground for the narcissistic pathology that will later dominate her life.
The Formation of the False Self
At the heart of Narcissistic Personality Disorder lies the creation of a “false self.” The false self is a carefully constructed façade, one designed to conceal a brittle, fractured core. A woman in this state projects an image of confidence, dominance, and control. But behind the mask lies an unrelenting emptiness—a deep well of shame, fear, and inadequacy.
The false self emerges as both armour and weapon. It shields her from facing the truth of her own damaged psyche, while simultaneously enabling her to manipulate those around her. She learns to extract emotional “supply” from empathic individuals, those who are generous, kind-hearted, and predisposed to seeing the good in others.
Empathic individuals, unaware of what they are dealing with, become perfect targets. They provide the validation she craves, they tolerate the abuse she inflicts, and they exhaust themselves trying to fix a person who does not want to be fixed. This dynamic is not accidental—it is calculated, even if unconsciously. The narcissistic woman intuitively senses who will bend to her will and who will not. And those who resist her authority must be destroyed.
The Children as Replacement Partners
When a narcissistic mother has children, they are not seen as autonomous beings but as tools. In particular, her children become emotional surrogates—replacement partners—tasked with fulfilling her unmet needs. She offloads her burdens onto them, leans on them for validation, and demands a level of emotional loyalty that no child should ever be forced to give.
This is not maternal love. It is enmeshment. The child exists to serve the mother’s emotional agenda, to reflect her greatness back to her, and to shield her from the shame she refuses to confront. For a son, this can lead to confusion, guilt, and an inability to form healthy relationships in adulthood. For a daughter, the consequences are often far worse—she is at risk of repeating the very patterns that were inflicted upon her.
In this way, the cycle perpetuates itself. The narcissistic woman uses her children as pawns, erasing their individuality and enforcing their compliance. They are praised when they submit and punished when they resist. And for those children who dare to challenge her—those who begin to see the truth—she employs a more insidious tactic.
Flying Monkeys: The Weaponisation of Others
A narcissistic woman, like all tyrants, cannot tolerate dissent. Her need for control is absolute, and any challenge to her authority must be swiftly neutralised. To achieve this, she enlists “flying monkeys”—individuals who act as her enforcers, whether knowingly or unknowingly.
Flying monkeys can be anyone: other family members, friends, even her own children. She manipulates them with lies, half-truths, and emotional appeals, casting herself as the victim and painting her target—often an empathic partner or child—as the villain. The flying monkeys, believing her narrative, attack on her behalf. They criticise, shame, and isolate the target until resistance collapses.
This is not accidental. It is a deliberate strategy, one designed to maintain her status as the “queen bee” of the household. She must remain central, unchallenged, and adored. Anyone who disrupts this hierarchy must be isolated, vilified, and destroyed.
The Queen Bee Phenomenon
The “queen bee” metaphor is apt because it captures the essence of her rule. A queen bee does not tolerate competition. She does not share power. In a household ruled by a narcissistic woman, this dominance manifests as emotional warfare. She ensures that everyone remains subordinate to her authority—partners, children, siblings—no one is exempt.
The household becomes a kingdom of dysfunction. Individuals are pitted against one another, trust is eroded, and a constant state of tension pervades. The narcissistic woman thrives in this chaos because it reinforces her power. She is the sun around which everyone must orbit, and any attempt to challenge her gravitational pull is met with swift retaliation.
For the empathic individuals who inhabit this household, the experience is draining—physically, emotionally, and spiritually. They give, she takes. They apologise, she condemns. They seek peace, she thrives on conflict. And when they are finally too broken to resist, she discards them, moving on to the next source of supply.
The Psychological Toll on the Children
Perhaps the greatest tragedy of this dynamic is the damage inflicted on the children. Children of narcissistic mothers grow up in an environment devoid of safety and trust. They learn that love is conditional, that their worth is tied to their ability to please, and that expressing their own needs is dangerous.
Emotionally, they are stunted. Psychologically, they are fractured. They may grow up to become people-pleasers, over-achievers, or emotional caretakers—forever seeking the validation they never received. Or, in a cruel twist of fate, they may internalise the narcissistic traits of their mother, repeating the cycle in their own relationships.
This is the ultimate tragedy of narcissism. It consumes everything in its path. The narcissistic woman destroys not only her own relationships but also the potential of her children to live authentic, healthy lives.
Breaking the Cycle
To escape the grip of a narcissistic individual—be it a mother, a partner, or anyone else—one must first recognise the truth. Narcissists thrive in ambiguity. They gaslight, distort, and manipulate to keep their targets off-balance. Clarity is their enemy.
Recognising the patterns of narcissistic abuse is the first step. Establishing boundaries is the second. Narcissists cannot function without control, and boundaries are the ultimate assertion of selfhood. For empathic individuals, learning to prioritise their own needs and reject the narcissist’s demands is an act of liberation.
Finally, healing requires the courage to face reality. The narcissistic woman is not a queen. She is not all-powerful. She is, at her core, a deeply wounded individual hiding behind a mask. Understanding this does not excuse her behaviour, but it allows those affected to move forward—to reclaim their lives, their identities, and their freedom.
Is there a way out?
The story of the narcissistic woman is one of tragedy, dysfunction, and destruction. Born into chaos, she perpetuates the very wounds she suffered, inflicting pain on those closest to her. She rules her household like a tyrant, using manipulation, enmeshment, and emotional warfare to maintain control.
But there is a way out. By recognising the patterns, asserting boundaries, and prioritising truth over illusion, those caught in her web can break free. The road is not easy, but it is possible. And for the children raised in her shadow, there is hope—the hope of healing, growth, and the courage to live a life defined not by her demands, but by their own authentic selves.